Why is it that you do not know that this monumental thing is happening even though you read my blog all the time, you ask? Because it sucks. Cancer sucks. If I were a bit more colorful with my language (as are some of the best mom bloggers I know!) I would say it f*$%ing sucks a big fat f*$%ing piece of s&!t. But of course, I’m going for a PG-rating over here.
Cancer sucks. And I have no way to explain it, to rationalize it or to somehow make sense of why my young, beautiful mother has to go through it. I have not been able to be grateful for any part of sucky cancer. I am grateful for this year and a half since her diagnosis and I am grateful for all the moments and time spent together, for the memories and …. blah blah blah. … *heavy sigh*
I’ll let you in on a little secret here:
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!!!
One more thing in my life that I *don’t* know how to do. People look to me for answers (“Ma’am? You do know the answers, don’t you?”) or for inspiration or for something funny. Sorry folks, I got nothing. The “A” word, the “C” word, the “D” word… apparently it is my task to gather strength from *somewhere* (looks up and around the room), to find some answer, and to do *something* with it. This time, I got nothing over here. Cancer sucks. I am angry and sad. That’s it.
There is a Buddhist meditation technique I learned in the book “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. It is called “naming.” Ms. Brach writes a beautiful story about a man who was beginning to lose his memory to Alzheimer’s (another “A” word. ugh.) As the man sat down in front of a large audience to lead a meditation session, he suddenly forgot where he was and what he was supposed to be doing. So he simply bowed his head and began naming all the things he felt and that were going through his mind. When he raised his head again, the students had tears in their eyes. They told him that he had taught them more about true mindfulness than anyone else had.
floods of childhood memories one after another
wishing I could fix it
angry it is out of my control
angry at God for letting it happen
trying to find words
where there are none
stinging behind my eyes
wanting peace with this
wondering when it comes
And with that thought, Hannah walks in with a plate of gluten-free pancakes. Maybe there is no answer I will find in my writing today. But pancakes taste good anyway.
Please send prayers, energy, good thoughts to my beautiful mother. And heck, if you know other people who believe in the healing power of the universe and have access to “prayer chains” of any kind, please share this post and add her to the prayer list. Her name is Susan. Thank you.